Loved and Lost
by loveless996
Summary: it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved, After Rukia's death, Ichigo decides he cannot live without her, but when he is born into Soul Society, will he find his love and more importantly will she remember? IchiRuki horrible smmary :P
1. The Losses

**Author's Note**

Yooo ;) super short intro chappie :) will update soon promise... lolz maybe... :)

hmm pairing.. well read and rating T maybe M depends on me :D

_it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved_

based on that quote this fic :) is a multi chapter and yeahh enjoy :D

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><p>They've always said <em>it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.<em> An arguable quote I must say. Although I personally disagree, I have loved, am loving and will always love, but will that love ever last? I had love and lost it, lost it all, on that one faithful day. That moment, in which my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces, that moment when I realized the true feeling of losing a love, I had thought it'd be nothing easier and quicker. That's what they all say till they've really received and understood. Even to this day, I shed tears when I see that cheerful smile captured in that one picture. My heart aches when I stare into the blue sea that was her favorite. My mind wonders into a fantasy where she existed whenever I stare into the color of a deep violet that are- _were _the color of her bright sparkling eyes. How did this happen? I always asked myself. Where did we go wrong?

Thoughts of her lingered in my mind, memories we shared haunted me in my sleep. _She's in a better place. _I always thought to myself. _The better place is NEXT TO ME! _Was always the answer I given myself. Those years, the painstakingly long two years without her drove me to the edge. To brink of existence and always always I found a way to cling on to life. I always managed to live on, not for the sake of me, but for the sake of us. I knew if I died, her memories her heart, her being will go with me. Her existence and importance in this world depends solely on me. I _had _to carry on.

I had to carry

I repeated that phrase over and over again. Secretly wishing for my death…

_Dear Dad_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I couldn't be a better son. So please, don't shed tears for the half of the man is your son. I'm sorry, I really am. You could deal with it, the loss of someone so dear. I am your son, so why I can't I. Believe me when I say I tried. I tried and tried, but I couldn't. I can't, she was everything…_

_I don't mean to hurt you more than I already have, and I don't mean to bother and burden with anything else, but I have one last wish. Please, don't forget me. For I am the link to her and you will be the last link to me. I don't want us to disappear from the memories of this Earth. I understand it's a grand task, but please, I beg of you, keep the promise I couldn't. Keep my last promise to her. To keep her alive in memories, please…_

_I'm sorry_

_From-Your son_

I looked down on what seemed so inviting, the salvation that was luring me in. The ground calling my name, tempting me, death was so near. All I had to do was take a step. I closed my eyes and sighed. I looked down at my open palm, the warm smile that she once carried, and the ebony hair that perfectly lay across her face. The wide grin that suited her face flawlessly and more important in sparkle and charisma that shined through behind those brilliant violet orbs, I was mesmerized. I clutched on to the picture with dear life, tears flowing from my eyes, down my cheeks and into wind. I sobbed and sobbed. This was the end for me. I could no long live. "Rukia…" I whispered one last time.

"ICHIGO!" a familiar voice shouted behind me.

"Dad…" I whispered, tears now streaming out of my eyes. He knew where? How?

"STOP! YOU DON'T HAVE TO THIS!" the rest of his shouts were meaningless to me. I had already made up my mind.

"I can't live like this" I whispered, unsure of whether he heard or not.

I tighten my grip on the photo in my hand. "Wait for me" I said quietly to myself. "I'm coming Rukia…" I said before I let my body go, taken by gravity, I fell. Seconds seemed like an eternity. Wind blowing against me, past me and beyond here I come, salvation. This was the end of the twenty-two years spent on Earth. The end of me.

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><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>

So please Review :D give me feedback

thank you ;)

-Loveless (lmfao... the ironyy...)


	2. The Gains

**Author's Note**

Heyy soo sorry about the second half.. I'm really hungry and wants to eat -_- but had to finish the chapter :P

sooo please dont be tooo mean and enjoy :D

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><p>From what I could remember I was long gone before I even hit the concrete ground, my soul fled my body some time during my free fall. I watched from a distance as the empty shell hit the ground as loud screams filled the air. I drifted away further and further from the chaotic scene, not wanting to look back, not wanting to remember the look on my father's face. I was a horrible son, putting him through all that, even after my mother's death. Now he just has another funeral to plan and attend.<p>

I drifted in the sky, above the perfectly shaped clouds. Half of me regretted this rash decision but the other half was glad. I was finally free, I felt alive more alive than I felt in past two years. After she left, after she died, I was dead and I knew it. On the outside I seemed like a normal young man mourning for a loved one. But on the inside I was dead, my heart gone, black and hard. I was a lost child, away from the safety and warmth of his mother. And up until today I was living life without really living it. I was living it like a zombie would, attending to only the necessities in life, nothing more and nothing less. I worked, I ate, I showered and I slept, of course, I also cried. And I hoped and prayed with everything I had that today, this will be very last time that I will shed a tear.

I drifted, flew and soared, the blue sky engulfed me and in the distance I saw a certain darkness flying towards me. Salvation, in the distance, oblivion welcomed me.

Soon enough the darkness completely sucked me in and swallowed me whole. But through that I could tell, no I couldn't see it, but on the inside, I knew it. There was going to be light. All the talk about afterlife was true. There _is_ something beyond death, and I was about to experience it head on. Or perhaps it was my imagination and fantasy. Perhaps there is nothing beyond and my mind just has go wild and crazy, or perhaps I am just dreaming some crazy fantasy about how Rukia and I will be together beyond. My doubts were soon disproved, as my soul was trusted into the beyond, the light.

I couldn't exactly remember what had happened after that. But I can tell what I felt as I flew into this light. A strange sensation I must say, but nonetheless I could pin point exactly what I was. It was the more comforting thing I've felt in a long time, two years to be exact. The feeling was that of Rukia's embrace. It was almost as if she came back from the dead to welcome me into her world, the new world, afterlife. I didn't want to leave that safe sanctuary. I did not want to. But eventually I realized that it was nothing more than an allusion perhaps the final obstacle before I can actually enter the world of afterlife. But then just then a thought crossed my mind, what if Rukia didn't realize this when she died and decided to stay here for all eternity? I quickly shook the thought off as I forcefully propelled myself forward further into the light and away from her embrace.

I couldn't remember anything after that.

I opened my eyes to a blue sky, peaceful serene, white fluffy clouds drifted across the sky. I got up off of the ground and on my feet. Finding myself dressed in a wrap yukata of some sort. Where was I? I asked myself. I looked at my surroundings; I was in a forest, densely littered with tall trees.

"Are you lost little one?" I heard a voice ask. Instinctively I turned around to see who asked? I remained silent as a man walked out of the bushes. "You must be a new soul" he finally said.

"Soul?" I asked unsure.

"Yes, you must've died in the real world." He said. "Come with me, I'll explain everything to you"

"Wait" I said, catching his attention. "I'm not little" he chuckled slightly at the comment.

"Oh yeah? Look for yourself" he pointed out.

I looked down at my body, or should I say, new body. I would place my age at around ten or maybe twelve. "But-"

"Don't worry, I'll explain everything later" he led me through the forest, and into a small village, where he stopped at the first hut. He made a polite gesture as he welcomed me.

"Please sit" He smiled as I took a seat on the floor. "Alright, little one. Tell me do you recall your name?"

I shook my head slightly.

"I see, well you see, after a person dies, their soul is automatically taken to here, the soul society where souls live and wait to be reborn. Understand?" he asked.

"Yeah"

"Good, your body returns to that of a child's. As for the specific age, well that depends, it seems that you really did forget everything…"

"Why? Is that bad? I asked. "Should I remember?"

"Well, I don't really know, but to my personal experience I remembered everything."

"Everything?" I asked.

"Yeah, my whole life, and even how I died. Well regardless, I woke up here and for the past god knows how many years I've lived here and that's just about it."

"uhn…" I made a small noise as a sign that I understood. "Can I make myself remember?" I asked him.

"Yes, when you acquire enough spiritual pressure you will"

"How do I do that?" I asked.

"You are quiet the talkative one aren't you?" he smiled. "Well, spiritual pressure I guess you can think of it as life energy. It makes up everything including you. Well, a person or rather a soul contains this energy they can do things like enter the Soul Reaper Academy and become a shinigami which is the highest honor for a soul."

"What do soul reapers do?" I asked.

"They fight bad souls they are called hollows and protects souls like us."

"How do you know this?" I asked immediately sensing that normal souls did not know this kind of information.

"Smart" he smirked as he began to answer. "My father, well the person that took me in became one and he told me some things"

"And you said that I will remember once I acquire this energy?"

"I think so… but maybe I'm wrong" "By the way, I'm Sako"

We ended our conversation there. Over the few days I spent with him I realized that I was never hungry and concluded that souls don't need food. On maybe the fourth night here, I reached into the pocket of my yukata searching for something. What I pulled out was a picture, of a girl. She had raven hair and sparkling violet eyes. She looked familiar. I stared at the picture curiously. Suddenly a bubble of warmth surrounded me as I felt an invisible force pushing me. Hair flew away from my face and I blinked in surprise.

Sako bursts into the room eyes wide. He shouts at me but I could hear. I felt like my head was going to explode, pictures, moments and memories flooded into my brain. I was remembering the life I once lived. The girl in the picture, no Rukia, our lives, the tragic day. Everything. It was like my life was being played as a movie inside my head. The amazing feeling of aliveness filled me. I knew it. Whatever it was called, spiritual pressure, I had obtained it and now for some reason I was remembering.

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><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>

What the fuck? SAKO? LMFAO.. told you i was hungry... -_- the second half is shittt oh wellssss..

please review because review=you spent the time to read the fucking things :) and plus

reviews=love 3


	3. Closer?

**Author's Note**

Just a heads up, this chapter... really sucks.. I didnt reread it or really put too much thought into it... I was rushing a lot... :P juggling like 4 fics here hahaha

lolz...

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><p>I stared in awe at the large much more expensive looking buildings around the area. In the distance I could see a tall white tower overlooking the entire town. "This is the Seireitei" that same man began. "This is where the shinigamis live. We are taking you to the head captain of the Gotei 13, also known as the 13 guard squads." He paused to glance at me with semi-curious eyes. "The elite force of shinigamis that fight to protect souls from hollows" he paused yet again. Seeing that I have no clue to as what he was talking about, he began to explain…<p>

Over the next few minutes he explained the entire course of a shinigami's duties and responsibilities. I learned the ways of the shinigami, the way of the sword, the way of battle and the way of the possibility of death even as a soul. I was dumbfounded by the information that was just given. And the inevitable eventually came, "Why?" I asked. "Why am I here?"

"That is a question I cannot answer, Head Captain will answer that for you, remain calm, all will be revealed" he said, for the rest of the journey the carriage was silent. Until he signaled me to get out when the carriage came to a stop, he led me through a wooden gate, labeled 1 on the wall behind it. I assumed it was the Head Captain's quarters. Then we navigated through a series of corridors until we reached a even larger wooden, which seemed to open automatically as we arrived. The door opened to reveal a large meeting room, there 13 people in black and white cloaks stood in a V formation. There was an old man in the middle of it; I assumed it was the so called 'Head Captain'.

"Kurosaki, Ichigo" he said. I was nervous, the atmosphere in the room was extremely tense, and I could feel an unbearable weight, almost like an invisible wall crushing me. However, I managed to keep semi-calm. "Welcome to the Captain's meeting room" he gestured at the rectangular room. "Captains" he then gestured at the 10 men, 1 girl… and well one extremely short little boy. They all simultaneously bowed to me. I stood there like a deer in head lights, unsure of what to do. I simply returned the gestured to avoid anything kind of complication. "A very interesting specimen indeed, who has yet to falter under the immense reiatsu of 13 captains" I think it was more of a mental note than anything else. "Tell us, Kurosaki Ichigo. What have you taken with you?"

"I had brought a picture of a girl with me, when I entered the um… Soul Society" I said, it seemed like this picture was a huge deal to everyone here.

"I see" he said. "May I ask; who was this girl in relation to you?"

"She was my girlfriend, and I guess fiancé" there was no doubt about it, we were meant for each other, and sooner or later we were going to get married.

"And you took your own life because you couldn't live without her?" he asked. That question earned a few grunts and comments from the other 12 but nevertheless, I answered.

"Yes" it was a firm answer.

"Tell me, Kurosaki, do you know the significance of you remembering your memories?"

"No… I didn't remember until I saw the picture." I stated.

"Ah… I see." He said plainly. "You are the first in history to remember your previous life without any shinigami training. In addition, you are the first _ever _soul to carry a personal belonging with you" he stated.

"Yes" I said more as a reassurance than anything else.

"Captain Shunsui Kyōraku, I would like you to take this Kurosaki Ichigo under your wing. Special training is necessary, and I am certain you will do a brilliant job of training this young boy in the arts of sword fighting, Kido and Hado. And most importantly, allow the boy to release his zanpakuto in Shikai and eventually Bankai" It was a simple order but it took me by shock. First off, I had no idea what this mad man was talking about, training? To become a shinigami? What? What was up with these people and the fact that I remembered? "Meeting adjourn" he slammed his cane against the ground for emphasize.

"You released an incredible wave of reiatsu when you got your memories" A man with black hair and a ridiculous looking flower cloak said. "I'm Shunsui Kyōraku, now come along. I'm stuck with training you" he smiled and led the way out. There a woman with black hair up in a bun spoke.

"Captain, should I lead him to the squad training grounds?" she asked eagerly.

"Nah, Nanao, I think he should get some rest before we start, he's had a tough day today" he said while sneaking a glance back.

"You're just saying that because you're lazy" she countered.

"What?" he said with obvious sarcasm. "NO… I would never do that. I'm just caring for the boy" She rolled her eyes in response but made no further attempt to argue. I followed the pair without asking the many questions running through my head. I wondered if this would be the place. I wondered if our bond, the bond between Rukia and I would last even in death. I pondered the idea that maybe, just maybe this was all faith taking its course. I hoped that perhaps by going through this special training it would bring me a step closer to Rukia. The mental image and simple though of Rukia forced me to say something that I never would've otherwise.

"Take me to the training ground" I said suddenly, this was rash not taught through, but yet again, committing suicide was a rash decision too. Both of which were influenced by the existence or rather the non existence of Rukia. I guess it never occurred to me until now. I never really put too much thought into it until that moment in which I spoke. I never realized just how much I loved her.

My sudden comment shocked the pair. The captain shot me a glance, and then smiled "Very well, Nanao, take him to the training ground. I will go get him a sword." The girl obeyed the order and gestured towards a right turn while her captain took a left.

**Shunsui Kyōraku POV**

Before going to the weapon room, I decided to make detour to acquire some information on curious case of Ichigo Kurosaki. I remained quiet and took almost silent footsteps followed a certain someone "Shunsui, don not take me for an idiot" the captain suddenly spoke.

"Ah… Byakuya" I whispered quietly.

"What do you want?" he asked

"Straight to the point as always" I commented. "What do you make of this?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Make of what? The boy? I don't" he said.

"So you saw it as well" I immediately caught on to the hate like emotion in the otherwise stoic Byakuya Kuchiki. He _had _to see it. He didn't reply but instead just walked away.

"I don't know what the boy has to do with Rukia, but I don't plan on letting him near her" he put emphasizes on the last few words. "I trust that you won't share the information with the boy, or anyone else." he paused for a bit. "Don't you dare tell him where or who Rukia is" he shot a death glare back at me.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah" I said while turning around making my way to the weapons room. This is an interesting case. I thought. It's obvious that the boy was and is still in love with Rukia. Rukia had arrived in the Soul Society about two years ago. I assume that when she died in the real world. Rukia was soon adopted into the Kuchiki family because of Byakuya's personal reasons. I let out a long sigh, that boy has a hard journey in front of him. That is, if he ever finds out that his Rukia is much closer than he had anticipated.

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><p><strong>Author's Note<br>**

lolz.. evil byakuya... welll sucked right?

please review anyways

because reviews=love


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